Parenting teens: Communication

Key Points to Remember

✔️ Listen when they’re ready to talk.
✔️ Ask open-ended questions and truly listen to their responses.
✔️ Send clear and encouraging messages.
✔️ Be open and honest—trust is a two-way street.

Strategy: Listen to your teenager when they are ready to talk.

It’s normal for teens to communicate less with their parents as they grow older. While they may seem distant at times, staying approachable is key. Meaningful conversations don’t always happen on a schedule—sometimes, the best moments come unexpectedly, even late at night when you’re ready for bed. Being available when they’re ready to talk is one of the best ways to stay connected.

Try to create natural opportunities for conversation by spending time together—driving them to school, cooking dinner, or working on household tasks side by side. Communication happens more easily when you’re physically present and engaged in shared activities. Even if they don’t always take up the offer, keep inviting them in.

Whakarongo – Tune in. Think of them.

Strategy: Ask open-ended questions and listen with the intent to understand

Effective communication is not just about talking—it’s about listening in a way that makes your teen feel heard and respected. Open-ended questions encourage deeper conversations and help you learn more about their world.

Tips for Better Listening

✔️ Stop what you’re doing. Give them your full attention—turn off distractions like the TV or phone.
✔️ Talk in private. If others are around, find a quiet moment where they feel comfortable opening up.
✔️ Make eye contact. Show them you’re engaged.
✔️ Sit at their level. A relaxed posture makes the conversation feel less confrontational.
✔️ Don’t interrupt. Let them finish their thoughts before responding.
✔️ Reflect back what you hear. Try phrases like “It sounds like…” or “So what you’re saying is…” to confirm their feelings and experiences.

Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, acknowledge their perspective. Understanding their emotions doesn’t mean condoning every behaviour—it means showing them that their feelings matter.

Strategy: Send Clear and Encouraging Messages

Teens respond better to positive reinforcement than criticism. If they constantly hear complaints, nagging, or put-downs, they may withdraw or tune you out. Instead, focus on clear, constructive, and encouraging communication.

❌ Instead of: “You’re so lazy—you never help around the house.”
✅ Try: “I’d really appreciate your help with the cleaning today.”

Too many commands or criticisms can make teens feel unappreciated and frustrated. If most of what they hear is negative, they may start to believe they can’t do anything right.

✔️ Praise positive behaviour. Recognise their efforts and accomplishments, no matter how small.
✔️ Keep feedback solution-focused. Address behaviours, not their personality.
✔️ Avoid unnecessary orders. Constant directives like “Hurry up,” “Do this,” or “Why aren’t you dressed?” can wear them down.

Whakamihia – Praise. Help them to be good. Smile.

Strategy: Be open and tell the truth

Teenagers crave honesty. They don’t want to be sheltered with half-truths—they want to understand the world as it is. Being open with your teen fosters mutual respect and builds a foundation of trust.

Sometimes, a small action like a nod, a hug, or a simple “thank you” can say more than words.

✔️ “Good morning.”
✔️ “Thanks for hanging up your clothes.”
✔️ “I appreciate you washing your plate.”
✔️ “Will you help me with this?”

Honest conversations create trust. Even if they don’t always agree with you, knowing that you will tell them the truth makes them more likely to confide in you when it truly matters.

If you build trust now, they will come to you in times of need rather than shutting you out. Keeping communication open reduces the chances of misunderstandings, arguments, and emotional distance.

Final Thought

The more you talk and listen to your teenager, the stronger your relationship will be. Even when they pull away, knowing that you’re there—ready to listen without judgment—gives them the security they need. A strong parent-teen connection isn’t about constant agreement; it’s about trust, respect, and always keeping the door open.

Acknowledgement and copyright notice

No Safe Limit is very grateful to Northland District Health Board (DHB) for permission to reproduce this content from theNDHB-Whanau-Pack-ED2-v2.pdf (northlanddhb.org.nz). Northland DHB own the copyright in this material and it must not be copied or reproduced except as expressly permitted by Northland DHB.